Happiness

Well, after my last couple of posts about the changes in my life I figured it was time for a more upbeat post! I was just catching up on Rhonda's blog and she has written about happiness and I thought to myself that while I am still adjusting to the changes I am making in my life currently and feel let down, I am happy. For many years there, I was not. I was 'searching' for happiness but little did I know that I was not going to find it by accumulating more things or getting a better job or by finding more friends. It was actually very accessible and it was within me rather than outside of me. Might not make sense to you but that statement rings true for me! And to be very honest, the more I simplify, the more joy I feel. These days I love to be at home - cooking meals, homekeeping, being with E, crafting and pottering. I love the simple pleasures of talking with friends. I love nature and getting my camera out to take a photo of a beautiful flower or tree. I love spending time with Mum, Dad, Anthony & Leanne. I especially love any time spent with Kate. And, I love my work. I love a lazy Sunday too!

These days, I don't spend much money on "things". Yes, I am on a very tight budget currently but you know what? I don't feel the urge to spend anyway. And that in itself makes me happy. It brings a smile to my face to know that when I do find something that I just have to have, I will have the money there because I have not spent it on rubbish things.

On a side note, I received my electricity bill and it is $84.50 less than my previous bill!!! My daily kWh usage is down to 22.0kWh - only a little down on the last one but nevertheless it is on the way down! Baby steps...

I Wish The Real World Would Just Stop Hassling Me...

I was driving around on Monday and the Matchbox 20 song "Real World" came on and I really connected with this line - if only I could shut the real world out for a bit so that I can get my head together and work out where to go from here...

Kate told me today that she worries for me and about how stressed I must be. The weird thing is that I don't feel too stressed. I just feel sad. But on a positive note I also feel optimistic! In a way I feel like there are all these opportunities for me to choose from. But, my personality being what it is, I will procrastinate for awhile no doubt. My financial situation will however make me move faster - at least in the short term. I need to get a job. We are in the process of selling our business and are currently only taking home a small wage so I need to supplement that until we sell. Kate has told me just to focus on me and E and if that means a full time job so be it, she will work the business. However I feel an obligation and committment to her so I am searching for a way to work three days a week in a job and three days in the business, just until we sell. And at this point I don't care what job I do. Once we sell, then I can think about the future.

The best thing is that over the last few months I have stopped my spending and reduced my expenses while also stockpiling some food (not much but some!). I think that may be why I don't feel so stressed. I know that we have food and also that I can provide food for us that won't cost so much because I can cook from scratch. I also have a small buffer in the bank.

Mum and Dad have offered for us to go and live with them if need be. I am resisting this because I feel like I finally have to stand on my own two feet. The last time I lived by myself with just E she was one and I had just gone through two armed robberies at work. I just about had a nervous breakdown and struggled at night on my own. My fear of someone breaking in was so great that most nights I just did not sleep. That was how John came to eventually start staying over again. I thank him for being there for me whenever I needed him. But time has passed and I am now able to sleep alone in the house by myself. I still get nervous but I have to do this if I am ever going to have my life back. I have come to realise in the last week that for me to move on I need to be on my own again. It has taken me about seven years to work this out!

Life Changes

Mmmmm... what a week. I am exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally from it. I found out some things about John (E's dad) this week that I don't like and have asked him to move out. Not sure if I have written much here about our living situation but to cut a long story short, we separated many many years ago but he has been living with us for some time. We get on well enough to live together to raise our daughter and share the load. Not many people get our situation but it has worked for us. I don't tolerate some things though and can not live with him any longer - not even for E's sake (she doesn't need this crap either). As you can imagine, she is devastated and I am worried about her more than me. But the main thing I need to worry about for the short term is earning some money to pay the rent of $370 a week and also to provide our other basic necessities. Although John says he will give us money, I will never again in my life rely on a man to provide for me. It is only in the last year that I have allowed myself to get into this situation of relying on him - never before in the 10+ years I have known him have I done this. I was always very independent and am annoyed at myself that I am not now. Anyway, to say that this week has been emotional is an understatement. Our whole life will change now and while I am trying to look at it as the wonderful opportunity it can be to get my life back, I am also sad that plans and little dreams I had are now no longer achievable. My heart breaks for E too.

I had a day off today (although I did go to work for a couple of hours this morning to finish off some work). After coming back from work I spent some time cooking a potato bake and a casserole in the slow cooker. We ate the potato bake for lunch and I am freezing the casserole for meals next week. Tomorrow I will probably cook some more meals to freeze. And I may also do some baking. I have to go to work tomorrow for a little while to stocktake :(

We are nice and busy at work - I am quite tired from it all. I have 1 more week until a week off and I really am looking forward to it. E will also be on holidays and I plan on us doing lots of cooking, craft, reading and snuggling in bed :)))

I have been making lots of cards at work for classes. Usually I only do scrapbook classes so I have been enjoying making cards. Here are 2 cards that I taught last week. They are made from white card that I have cuttlebugged, inked and stamped. Not very good photos though...

I went out for dinner with Kate tonight and enjoyed salt & pepper calamari & Reef and Beef - yummo! We ordered dessert but it never came and after waiting about 40 minutes we asked for our money back and went home... It is really cold tonight so I think it is now time to go to bed - my fingers don't want to type anymore lol!

Perspective

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, 'How was the trip?' 'It was great, Dad.' 'Did you see how poor people live?' the father asked. 'Oh yeah,' said the son. 'So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?' asked the father. The son answered: 'I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.' The boy's father was speechless. Then his son added, 'Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are.' Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your family and friends!

'Life is too short so appreciate each day!'

Life has been really hectic over the last month or so. Business has been slow this year due to the rise in the cost of living for everyone. It is not just our industry (retail craft) but everywhere. Every business owner you talk to says the same thing and I have noticed some have started closing down. This is a very sad part of small business ownership. We went into business 4 years ago this month knowing that it would not be an easy journey but I have to say that it is far harder than either of us imagined! In case you are wondering who the 'we' is, it is myself and my best friend Kate. We had both been in retail management for many years and both managed successful stores. So we figured that we knew it all! We look back and shake our heads at our own arrogance. Probably the toughest part but also the most rewarding aspect has been the growth in our friendship. It is hard work working with your best friend some days, especially when you think in completely different ways. We had been best friends for 12 years when we went into partnership but over the last four years I have gotten to know her pretty much completely - really it is like a marriage! Running the business together has taught me the value of our friendship, the strength of it and that Kate will always be there for me and love me even on my bad days! It has also taught me about discipline & perserverance. I read once that small business ownership is a true test of character. When you run a small business and things don't go to plan you start to question yourself & your abilities. You don't always do this when you work for someone else.

Now, back to why we are so busy! We sat down about a month or so ago and started to plan ways to bring more customers into the shop. We mapped out a full month of events and also started planning the next two months as well. We are also focusing advertising dollars on the customers we already have. All of this is working and so we are really busy with it all. The interesting thing is that even though I am a little physically tired, I am not mentally tired. But, being so busy at work has led me to lean back into old habits of relying on convenience food (bad me!). I ran out of frozen meals which were keeping us going. It shows me how much I need to keep that up. So, I have most of this weekend off and I will be cooking and freezing and back to planning meals which I have not done over the last week.

Breastfeeding & Society

A friend asked me today how long I thought it was appropriate for women to breastfeed for. I told her that I figure that is a decision best left up to the mother who is breastfeeding. Apparently there was a segment on a morning show about it - the mother plans to do it until the baby teeth fall out I think. The general consensus was that this was way too long and disgusting. My friend commented that she thinks it is a form of abuse... I am not too sure why she thinks that as she did not offer an explanation. Now, everyone is entitled to their own opinion but the whole conversation leads me to ponder more about society in general and how we form opinions and judgements on our fellow human beings. I am really starting to open my eyes to how we are led by advertising, government, society etc in our thinking. On the breastfeeding issue I wonder how long mothers breastfed for hundreds of years ago. What really is the natural progression of that? I said to my friend that yes, most of society views mothers breastfeeding older children as not the norm but that does not mean it is not right. I personally believe that it must be a great bonding experience and also that the child must be receiving lots of great nutrients from the breast milk. Let me just say though that this is not something I have sat and pondered greatly! That is my initial thoughts. Also, my friend does not have children so I wonder too if she did would that change her opinion? I personally had no success with breastfeeding though God knows I tried! And, when I finally gave in at 2am one morning the nurse on duty was a breastfeeding advocate and thought it her duty and right to sit me down with a manual and a lecture about why I should not bottlefeed. She insisted I pump my breastmilk and then SHE bottlefed it to my daughter while I watched. I was all of 23 and suffering from a small amount of baby blues as well as HUGE amounts of guilt for even considering bottle feeding. The next morning I again tried breastfeeding at which point my mother and partner complained about the night nurse. I did continue to try breastfeeding but after 7 days of my daughter losing weight & us not allowed to leave hospital the decision was made to give up. The guilt remained for months though I can tell you. Another great example of society enforcing their views and judgements on us!