I Wish The Real World Would Just Stop Hassling Me...

I was driving around on Monday and the Matchbox 20 song "Real World" came on and I really connected with this line - if only I could shut the real world out for a bit so that I can get my head together and work out where to go from here...

Kate told me today that she worries for me and about how stressed I must be. The weird thing is that I don't feel too stressed. I just feel sad. But on a positive note I also feel optimistic! In a way I feel like there are all these opportunities for me to choose from. But, my personality being what it is, I will procrastinate for awhile no doubt. My financial situation will however make me move faster - at least in the short term. I need to get a job. We are in the process of selling our business and are currently only taking home a small wage so I need to supplement that until we sell. Kate has told me just to focus on me and E and if that means a full time job so be it, she will work the business. However I feel an obligation and committment to her so I am searching for a way to work three days a week in a job and three days in the business, just until we sell. And at this point I don't care what job I do. Once we sell, then I can think about the future.

The best thing is that over the last few months I have stopped my spending and reduced my expenses while also stockpiling some food (not much but some!). I think that may be why I don't feel so stressed. I know that we have food and also that I can provide food for us that won't cost so much because I can cook from scratch. I also have a small buffer in the bank.

Mum and Dad have offered for us to go and live with them if need be. I am resisting this because I feel like I finally have to stand on my own two feet. The last time I lived by myself with just E she was one and I had just gone through two armed robberies at work. I just about had a nervous breakdown and struggled at night on my own. My fear of someone breaking in was so great that most nights I just did not sleep. That was how John came to eventually start staying over again. I thank him for being there for me whenever I needed him. But time has passed and I am now able to sleep alone in the house by myself. I still get nervous but I have to do this if I am ever going to have my life back. I have come to realise in the last week that for me to move on I need to be on my own again. It has taken me about seven years to work this out!